gizzhead's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Steadier footing. I've been treating my body and mind so terribly these past two weeks to the point where if I were to tell my mother about it she'd actually raise her voice at me, you know, for the first time ever. I have: - Averaged four or five hours of sleep a night, going to sleep at 2 a.m. usually and waking up at 7:30 a.m. for my 8 a.m.'s. Last night was an exception, I went to sleep at 5 a.m. and woke up at 6 a.m. - Eaten terribly or not enough, usually both. For example, all I had to eat yesterday was a bowl of chili, potato chips, and a Red Bull. When I woke up this morning from my hardly-nap I had incredibly painful stomach pains that are still causing a ruckus in my intestines. The first things I ate today was a blondie and a big cup of coffee, another terrible choice. - Not gone grocery shopping for a month, so I've been eating out of the snack machines downstairs or at cheap places in the neighborhood, very bad for my wallet considering I still have two $100 gift cards to Whole Foods and only $19 in my bank account. Plus, what's scary is I've been filling myself up with junk food and losing weight, which is infinitely more harmful than eating fresh produce and real food and gaining weight. - Seemingly given up on classes. I skipped pilates for no reason, fell asleep in my history class on Monday (which I NEVER do, and I mean never), forgot assignments for French and writing, nearly failed a French quiz, and slept through American lit. This is not me! I'm not a straight A student but I'm pretty close this year, and my attendance is excellent considering my old high school ways. - Wrote three large papers recently and did not try to better my writing on any of them. I churned them out without thought, and that really upsets me. - Committed everything I've learned this semester to short term memory. - Haven't done laundry/cleaned since I got back from Vienna. It's gotten so bad that yesterday CLAIRE cleaned the bathroom. - Been embarrassingly terrible with finances, although all of my money goes to books/food. I have not bought anything for myself since January. - Destroyed my skin and hair. I didn't think it was possible to make myself this pale, tired, and unattractive but holy shit, I did it. - Forgotten how to dress appropriately for the weather. Sunday I was in only a tube dress in thirty degree weather for ninety minutes. I've been on the brink of a cold for two weeks and that certainly did not make things any easier. So, what to do about it? I'm sick of feeling like shit all the time. I don't want to make this a habit; I don't want to go through life abusing myself out of... laziness. I have to snap out of this funk. The only positive thing I'm doing for myself right now is taking pilates, but even then I just go through the motions and don't push myself. I'm also not dependent on caffeine and cigarettes like I was last semester, but that's it that's the only thing I've got going for me. At the rate I'm going I can tell that it will be impossible for me to do well like last semester, so this weekend is going to be about fixing this mess. I'm going to do laundry and clean up my work space this weekend. I'm going grocery shopping and buying real food, not Twix bars. I'm going to strike a deal with my mom about finances. I'm going to read and help David with his film and sleep long and study for midterms but not to the point where I'm making myself sick. I'm going to relax and fix bad habits and I can't wait. 11:27 a.m. - 2008-03-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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